Thursday, June 27, 2013

Mistakes is a part of who I am.
Who I am and who I appear to be; the two are very different, yet they are me. Strange as it may seem, it’s true. The two are named the same but they have little to nothing in common; the two have different views on the world and they come out at anytime. The mistakes I build up have created another personality.
My mistakes make me who I am, for each step, there are a billion more I can take, but only one path will take me to the place I want to call tomorrow, which in my case, I want to be going the right way, the way that I can look back at and feel proud of. I’m not perfect so I know I will make mistakes, that’s the risk of being a human in this selfish world. Humans tend to want more for themselves than the person next to them. At times I will slack off like I do in class and I won’t realize it until someone slaps me with the cold hard truth, but I would work my butt off to fix it. I don’t want my mistakes overpowering my life, my mistakes are here to slap my hand to show I could become something, to become someone I’m proud of. My flaws will try to push me to make mistakes as well but I will have to have a battle within myself as to not cave in, to remain on this path towards my future.
Not just my mistakes, but those around me have a big affect on my views on life, but in a way I am learning through their events. Like my mother was addicted to her medication and alcohol, but when she was on the right path she was perfect, but even that doesn't exist. I have barely any memories of her. I can't remember clearly without missing pieces other than the last time I saw her alive. As you already know she overdosed on her meds which made her forget things. Since that day I avoid taking any type of medication, because I have an addictive personality thanks to her (and my family’s genetics). Alcohol abused my mother and made her betray her role of being the mother she wanted to be. Because I saw that I never want to even touch alcohol but in a way I do want to see why. Why did she do so much for a liquid that slowly killed the mother I loved, the mother I needed? With the thought of being an addict I remember the reason why I will not do that, because I want to be proud of myself, I would never want my family to go through my Hell all over again. It wasn't as bad as I’m explaining, its was hell because most kids only worry about what they might have for dinner, while here I was worrying if I was going to find my mom drunk, or even dead. Even when she had her good sober years I still sacrificed doing normal kid things so I could watch over her like a helpless little angel that I was painted out to be.
Or evens my father’s mistakes, I will not be fooled. He thought just maybe she would get better if he stayed, or that she would get worse if he finally let her go. My dad who I love to this day, never wanted to risk losing my sister and I, if he had left. His fear that my mother would have taken custody of us and we would be in Hell if she never got help, since she failed many times after rehabs. He not only fooled himself that he could help, he slowly decreased his happiness, (I’m only guessing) he could still be living in a house, or have more friends, but now the main person he talks to is me and our loving dog. I hope I won’t follow my parents mistakes but I do hope to be like them, my father and mother are (were) both caring, hilarious, hard working people. I wish to grow up with their characteristics, not their little flaws because I love the two, but I need to be myself and make my own mistakes, hopefully I won’t relive theirs
My mistake that I have not yet “saved” myself from, is causing people to overlook me. I let people take anything from me, so I guess I’m labeled as a pushover. Which is funny because I am the leader in my group, and I can defend myself from any type of nonsense they throw at me. I just don’t like disappointing people, so I will give up a little of my happiness just to see them smile. My heart ache when I see other cry, I feel helpless as I just ask what's wrong. Yet many people still come to me for advice. In person ,I don’t know how to word things so it would be effective, but over a message I can make people feel much better. I am a protector of certain friends because I know how easily my friends can break emotionally, and certainly are capable of so many things that could ruin their life. As their friend I want them happy, to keep them safe, but at times I might fail, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try my best. So in a way, I am a queen, a knight, a joker, a servant and even a villager all at the same time in my little kingdom I call my mind.
You might be wondering why I mention earlier that I have two personality, no that doesn't mean I have a split personality... It just means in public or to certain humans I may act very differently then I would with people I come to love. With people I care about tends to see the real me, not the one I made to hide myself from pain... The outside me, is the label I tend to get when I am in the room, people tend to mark her as the sweet little angel, who don’t care what others think about her. Ha, I am not angel, but I am not entirely demon-like either, I’m just a short tempered teenager who likes to observe other’s action or even their choice of words, before speaking. Yes I can be sweet but generally friends who are lot closer to me has taste my the sour pain, from my words or even a slap, well it just means they are getting to the point where  we play  like a brothers, argue likes sisters. Also people think I don’t care about what they think, in fact I scare other away, by being weird because I don’t want to hear their thought. People with the same point of view will jump over the fence that I hide behind to talk to since they may like me for who I am.
If I set my mind to it, I can become anyone I desire to be. Who am I and who I appear be are two different things, yet the share one thing in common that I play a big part of both roles. Like I mention mistakes builds me up, and the struggle made me stronger. I don’t think I will look back and rue my decisions,at least for this moment in time. I am the one the only, Erica , and no one can tell me who I am, only I can share my stories because I am the only one living this strange life.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Sorry old me.

Is it alright just to quit something only because I'm being held back, is it alright for me to stay and build up lie to myself that one day I can get there? I used to think choir was amazing to be in, after years of being drained out, I no longer feel the joy to be in a hateful group, where not only do I feel vocally push back, I also feel mentally I'm out of the group..... Much to say I think I'm gonna throw away the ten year dream I had to be in A Choir, because I am not gonna drag myself back into Vocal Point for a third time. The fact that we are simply changing makes me mad, I can't afford a new dress when I bought my for the sake of 4 years of choir, if I cannot escape I will not even try.  Choir is simply not for me, as I been told I am not good enough to fulfill my dream, I'm built up with anger, disappointment  sadness. I don't care for my grammar and spelling here... I just wanted to clear my head.

Good bye choir, fairwell dream, sorry little sad me I have failed you yet again....
I close this binder and bow down, this is my final preforment so boo me out..

~The choir deaf token.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

My cosplay!

I can proudly say I am almost done with my cosplay , the sad part is I had to buy it all not make it myself. I am cosplaying as Sakura Haruno, I aware that people seem to hate her, I couldn't care less. I chose to be her because out of the whole group in Naruto my personality fits her the most! Plus I don't find her all that bad, yes in the beginning she was overly boycrazied so is half the teens populations, and she becomes on of the best medical ninja out there. 

The bad part about being her, is the coloring of her outfit and hair... I'm so used to wearing dark colors that its weird wearing all pink/red plus those are not my color but I'll deal. Oh and for those who don't know this already but I'm cosplaying at Kumoricon, also known as my heaven for the weekend!!!! I can't wait to meet new people and dance, it's the perfect way to end my summer!

Cosplay I kinda want to do in the futures seems to be hopeless for me to do because of my shape and prices.

  • Hinata Hyuga from Naruto
  • Misty, Bulbasaur or Mew andJessie from Pokemon
  • Harley Quinn from Batman.
  • Junko Hattori ,Korone,Lily Shiraishi,Keena Soga from Demon King Daimao
  • Red Alice from Alice in the wonderland. (newest movie)
  • Sailor Moon and Sailor Chibi Moon from Sailor Moon.....
Reasons. Red= Coloring is bad on me. Blue= Too much money  Green=Shows too much skin or outfit too reveling. Yellow= Seems hard or can't find.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Changing over time.


When people say they are ugly or fat I laugh and show them what I used  to look like... Things will change just look at me. In the first picture I was in 6th grade and I was not pretty, I looked more boylike, the second picture I was in the 8th grade when  I hid behind my hair and eyeliner to hide the fact that I was overweight, but that summer is when I stop over using eyeliner and start losing weight. The last picture is from today, as a sophomore I look back and now I think why did I care about my looks so badly. Was it the fact I was bullied or the fact I never felt wanted, I think it was because I didn't like what I saw... Now next time I hear someone complain that they are fat, I'll mention I used to be almost 200 pounds. Not saying being "big" is bad, I see so many people who are larger then some and they are the prettiest  everyone is pretty no matter the size. Don't be like me and worry about what you look like, be proud of who you are. It took me four years to realize that looks truly don't matter.

Thanks my friends..

Warning this may sound really cheesy and girly....

       Whenever I am in need of advice or need a shoulder to cry on I can always count on two people every time, they help me so much even in their little ways. This year my mind been more "insecure" and the thing is I have no clue, it not just about me thinking I'm ugly, its me thinking, "Oh I'll never go to collage, I'm dumb as a rock." and the judgement of others affect me more. Though I been happier then I was in the past I notice the two has kinda been my "rock" and I don't know if that is a bad thing.... I am able to be alone and take care of myself don't worry about that, it just my emotional problem that get to me, maybe it's just PMSing or overly stressed but it nice to know that there's people who care about my well-beings.

     Chy has been my in my life since 7th grade but we became best friends in the middle/ending of 8th grade, recently I notice that she as in her voice is the one that's in my head.... I find that really creepy, but anywhoozie she's the most non-judging person I ever met, I mean I can tell her everything that happened in my life without worrying that she would overly judge (little judgement is okay) and she may teased me but we know when to stop. She listens and out of any of my friends she actually gives me feedback even if she knows I won't like that she puts her opinion in a nice way. I think she would do well as a social worker because she is great with people's mind and getting them to see things in a positive  way showing them a the light.

       Then there's my boyfriend, I'm not gonna post his name because I know he doesn't like his name on the internet and I respect that. It hasn't been too long that he came into my life, I met him in 8th grade when he was dating my friend, then maybe 6-7 months later he and I started seeing each other until freshmen year, then again this summer.He may not know it but he helped me a lot in this very week when I was crying over my grade and worrying that I may fail. Just being in the same room helped me calm down, and in the process he manged to reduce my stress by helping me with my chores. I still feel guilty for letting him clean the kitchen and dragging him into my math class about four time, and having him put up with me crying like twice this week..... He one of the few guys I know that cares if I'm okay, and it seem like I can rarely get upset when he's with me. Though it's tougher for me to explain some of my emotional/mental issue I have, to him vs Chy, I don't know why.... I do however try to open up to him and sadly he may knows more about me then I do myself and all of my friends! 

       I want to thank the two, even though they may never read my blog. I want them to know how happy I am that I have them in my life, and thank you guys for always being there for me even in my worse state of mind!  I just wish I could help you two when y'all upset.......
And I'm sorry for this cheesy and girly blog umm blood, death, sadness, umm ummm? Yeah? *Run away*

Monday, January 7, 2013

Pointless post about concert.

Been a month since I went to Blood On The Dance Floor's concert, and I have to say even though it took a long time to go home, I had a blast. I got to take a picture with Jay, was only one foot from Jeffree Star, saw Dahvie moon the crowd,hung out with the amazing guy in my life, created some friends that I will see at Kumoricon. I only be 16 years old, I can proudly say that day was the most fun I had, I won't say it's my
best day ever since I don't know what the future holds for me.

2013

Looking back at my writing I can tell I seem to be a depress girl, but people don't know that when I do write  all my feeling or at least part of it is left behind in the paragraph that I write. It been two years since I last post something here, and I must say I have grown up just .3% more, see I made improvement! Who am I kidding I become a little kid since then, because I'm starting a pokemon plush collection, reading manga every chance I get a good one, watching my favorite animes and cartoons! At least I'm not caught in how I look that much, just throw some eyes liner on my waterline and I will be fine! I do attend to write my poems from my past on here, but I'll try to write some new stuff that seems a little bit happy.  

I have to say, the reason I'm happy is because of my close friends and the fact I have a loving boyfriend who make sure I'm okay. I'll talk about them one day, but untill then I have to do my homework.......