Sorry old me.

Is it alright just to quit something only because I'm being held back, is it alright for me to stay and build up lie to myself that one day I can get there? I used to think choir was amazing to be in, after years of being drained out, I no longer feel the joy to be in a hateful group, where not only do I feel vocally push back, I also feel mentally I'm out of the group..... Much to say I think I'm gonna throw away the ten year dream I had to be in A Choir, because I am not gonna drag myself back into Vocal Point for a third time. The fact that we are simply changing makes me mad, I can't afford a new dress when I bought my for the sake of 4 years of choir, if I cannot escape I will not even try.  Choir is simply not for me, as I been told I am not good enough to fulfill my dream, I'm built up with anger, disappointment  sadness. I don't care for my grammar and spelling here... I just wanted to clear my head.

Good bye choir, fairwell dream, sorry little sad me I have failed you yet again....
I close this binder and bow down, this is my final preforment so boo me out..

~The choir deaf token.

My cosplay!

I can proudly say I am almost done with my cosplay , the sad part is I had to buy it all not make it myself. I am cosplaying as Sakura Haruno, I aware that people seem to hate her, I couldn't care less. I chose to be her because out of the whole group in Naruto my personality fits her the most! Plus I don't find her all that bad, yes in the beginning she was overly boycrazied so is half the teens populations, and she becomes on of the best medical ninja out there. 

The bad part about being her, is the coloring of her outfit and hair... I'm so used to wearing dark colors that its weird wearing all pink/red plus those are not my color but I'll deal. Oh and for those who don't know this already but I'm cosplaying at Kumoricon, also known as my heaven for the weekend!!!! I can't wait to meet new people and dance, it's the perfect way to end my summer!

Cosplay I kinda want to do in the futures seems to be hopeless for me to do because of my shape and prices.

• Hinata Hyuga from Naruto
• Misty, Bulbasaur or Mew andJessie from Pokemon
• Harley Quinn from Batman.
• Junko Hattori ,Korone,Lily Shiraishi,Keena Soga from Demon King Daimao
• Red Alice from Alice in the wonderland. (newest movie)
• Sailor Moon and Sailor Chibi Moon from Sailor Moon.....

Reasons. Red= Coloring is bad on me. Blue= Too much money  Green=Shows too much skin or outfit too reveling. Yellow= Seems hard or can't find.

Changing over time.

When people say they are ugly or fat I laugh and show them what I used  to look like... Things will change just look at me. In the first picture I was in 6th grade and I was not pretty, I looked more boylike, the second picture I was in the 8th grade when  I hid behind my hair and eyeliner to hide the fact that I was overweight, but that summer is when I stop over using eyeliner and start losing weight. The last picture is from today, as a sophomore I look back and now I think why did I care about my looks so badly. Was it the fact I was bullied or the fact I never felt wanted, I think it was because I didn't like what I saw... Now next time I hear someone complain that they are fat, I'll mention I used to be almost 200 pounds. Not saying being "big" is bad, I see so many people who are larger then some and they are the prettiest  everyone is pretty no matter the size. Don't be like me and worry about what you look like, be proud of who you are. It took me four years to realize that looks truly don't matter.

Thanks my friends..

Warning this may sound really cheesy and girly....

       Whenever I am in need of advice or need a shoulder to cry on I can always count on two people every time, they help me so much even in their little ways. This year my mind been more "insecure" and the thing is I have no clue, it not just about me thinking I'm ugly, its me thinking, "Oh I'll never go to collage, I'm dumb as a rock." and the judgement of others affect me more. Though I been happier then I was in the past I notice the two has kinda been my "rock" and I don't know if that is a bad thing.... I am able to be alone and take care of myself don't worry about that, it just my emotional problem that get to me, maybe it's just PMSing or overly stressed but it nice to know that there's people who care about my well-beings.

     Chy has been my in my life since 7th grade but we became best friends in the middle/ending of 8th grade, recently I notice that she as in her voice is the one that's in my head.... I find that really creepy, but anywhoozie she's the most non-judging person I ever met, I mean I can tell her everything that happened in my life without worrying that she would overly judge (little judgement is okay) and she may teased me but we know when to stop. She listens and out of any of my friends she actually gives me feedback even if she knows I won't like that she puts her opinion in a nice way. I think she would do well as a social worker because she is great with people's mind and getting them to see things in a positive  way showing them a the light.

       Then there's my boyfriend, I'm not gonna post his name because I know he doesn't like his name on the internet and I respect that. It hasn't been too long that he came into my life, I met him in 8th grade when he was dating my friend, then maybe 6-7 months later he and I started seeing each other until freshmen year, then again this summer.He may not know it but he helped me a lot in this very week when I was crying over my grade and worrying that I may fail. Just being in the same room helped me calm down, and in the process he manged to reduce my stress by helping me with my chores. I still feel guilty for letting him clean the kitchen and dragging him into my math class about four time, and having him put up with me crying like twice this week..... He one of the few guys I know that cares if I'm okay, and it seem like I can rarely get upset when he's with me. Though it's tougher for me to explain some of my emotional/mental issue I have, to him vs Chy, I don't know why.... I do however try to open up to him and sadly he may knows more about me then I do myself and all of my friends! 

       I want to thank the two, even though they may never read my blog. I want them to know how happy I am that I have them in my life, and thank you guys for always being there for me even in my worse state of mind!  I just wish I could help you two when y'all upset.......

And I'm sorry for this cheesy and girly blog umm blood, death, sadness, umm ummm? Yeah? *Run away*